Monday, March 31, 2008

Balance and error

When I was in high school, one of the things we had to do in gym class was practice walking on a balance beam. Learning to stand on one of those skinny beams was difficult, but once up and standing, walking along the beam didn't seem that difficult. I never was very coordinated or athletic, so jumping on and off or turning cartwheels on the balance beam wasn't in the cards for me. Even so, I felt a sense of accomplishment just being able to stand on the thing without falling off of it and cracking my skull open.

These days, I feel a lot like I first did when I was just learning to stand on that balance beam. I'm finding that I don't know for sure how to gain my balance in everyday life. One day I am going at full speed, 100 percent and the next I am dragging.

It's been a while since I had chemo and my energy level is so much better than it was even just a month ago. That said, I am still struggling with determining what I can and cannot do on any given day. Funny thing. I think maybe we all do that anyway, but having been kicked down a couple of notches below "normal" when it comes to energy level, it seems you become more aware of the amount of energy it takes to do any given task. Things we take for granted and things we don't even realize take energy to accomplish, like having a conversation and "thinking" ... I don't ever recall being so conscious of the energy I'm using just to pull a word from somewhere in my brain. Sometimes I can actually feel my brain working to pull information from one side or the other ... the human body is amazing!

It's not all about energy and being able to "do" things either. It's about eating right. It's about getting enough sleep. It's about being patient and by that I don't mean a "patient" ... I mean, being able to say, "okay, take your time, don't rush, you'll be able to do that thing soon" ... I want to grab ahold of life.

I want to smell freshly cut grass and honeysuckle, eat rich and delectable foods (without weight gain!), drink fine wine, get some exercise, take a yoga or tai chi class, read books, paint pictures, work in my yard, go out with my friends and dance. Oh, yeah, then there's cleaning the house. When I was down for the count during the chemo treatments, I let a lot of stuff just "go" and letting some things go was easier than letting others go. The housework got done in the most minimal way ... anyone who comes to visit will note that the stairs leading to the second floor are more than in need of a good vacuuming to pick up the cat hair accumulating there.

I also let the yardwork go and thankfully God sent me an angel over the summer in the form of a neighborhood gentleman who kindly cut my grass for a small pittance. But this year the rhododendren is dead, the dogwood is dead, and a couple of azaleas have gone to the garden in the sky. They need to be dug up and I need to figure out what will go in their places, if anything. Weird little trees have taken root in my backyard, the peonies are being invaded by weeds galore. I have seeds to plant and garden soil to put down before I can plant them.

Why am I talking about all of that?

I want to get it all done! Not only do I want to do it because I love to work in my yard, but I want to do it because it hasn't been done in a year and needs to get done! I want my house to be organized and clean. Then I get a little overwhelmed because I've had to work at my job just about every weekend over the last several months, and I've been attempting to work a real 8-hour day during the week. That doesn't leave much energy for me at the end of the day to do the housework or the yardwork.

So, what I'm saying is, I'm still trying to find my right stance in order to balance on that beam of life. Some days it's easier than others. But each day I awake, I thank God for the opportunity. And each day I thank God that I am alive to try!

Thursday, March 20, 2008

On the right track

I had my three-month check up on Tuesday and it seems I am on the right track. My hair is growing and my energy is better overall. I'm looking forward to summer!

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Energy crisis

Today I filled up my car with gas and spent $32.15. What? When I bought the Miata it only took $10 to fill the car up with gas.

As most of my close friends know, I am no mathematician. But, I don't need to be one to note that it takes over three times as much money to fill up my gas tank today than it did when I first bought the car.

The way I feel physically is a lot like that these days. It seems like some days it takes me three times longer to get things accomplished than it did before I was diagnosed with breast cancer and had six rounds of chemotherapy.

I must say this is actually much more unsettling for me than spending three times as much money to fill up my gas tank.

I am not one to whine about being sick, and frankly have a very hard time sitting still most of the time. But the side effects from the chemo are lingering and it makes me want to whine!


I want to feel like my old self. But I guess I am not my old self. I haven't figured out exactly who or what my new self is yet either, and it seems like that person is someone different from one day to the next. Some days I have more energy than others, some days I can think clearer than on other days. Today a colleague of mine who has experienced cancer and chemo said that it can take up to a year to regain the energy and strength that we once took for granted.

A year seems like a very long time, but at least I have the option of having a year.

I hope that the energy crisis -- both the one regarding my car and the one regarding my health -- will resolve itself sooner than later. Something tells me that my health will be resolved sooner than the other!