Seeing

Everyone knows that saying ... do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Just recently I have thought that it would also be a good idea to do unto ourselves as we would have others do onto us. Or something like that. In reality, my thought centered more about "seeing" ourselves as others see us.

It's always been a wish of mine. To be able to see "me" as the world sees me, and not as I see me. I fear that would not be a good thing should I show up on the red carpet and be questioned by Tim Gunn about who I am "wearing" (that would be ... um George by Walmart or Mossimo by Target or maybe "who knows, I got it at the thrift store and there isn't a label.").

In any case, I have felt this secret desire to be a little silly and self-centered.

So what started me on writing this post. A man told me I looked great. And for the first time in a long time I realized I was being SEEN. Ever since my cancer diagnosis I have felt unseen. And while I am still a woman who works at looking good, picking out clothes that make me feel good about myself, fixing my hair and wearing makeup, I must say that for a long time now I have not seen myself as sexy. And on this day, at that moment when that young man told me I looked great, I was actually taken aback because I was being seen in a way that I have become unaccustomed to being seen ... at least by me.

Then I heard a story about some scientists who have created a mirror that doesn't reflect images in the reverse, but as they really are. So I am not the only one with this wish to be seen as other see me. I think we all would like to see ourselves as others do.

So now I don't feel so silly afterall.

One life lesson worth learning

The thing about cancer is that it makes you stop and take stock in your life. Actually, it just makes you stop. Period. You stop thinking and for a minute or ten the world around you is a blur. The wind is kicked out of you. It takes a little time to regain your mental balance once you've heard those words ... you have cancer.

I have learned a lot about a lot of things since that day I was diagnosed. I've learned about loss. I've learned about gain. When I was down for the count a year ago, I was forced to learn that no matter what I wanted to do, I really couldn't. Not that I couldn't do some things, but I could not do a lot of what I wanted to do. Today, I can do a whole lot more than I could a year ago, but I still cannot do everything I want to do. Sometimes I can only do the things I have to do. Sometimes I can do what I want to do. But never can I do everything that I want to do and/or have to do.

The thing is, we never can do it all. We kid ourselves if we say that we can. If you have a job, then there are at least 8 hours of your day that do not belong to you. Add another hour or so every day for commuting. If you need to sleep (which I really need to do!) then there are 6 to 8 hours of your day spent. So that leaves about 7good hours during a weekday to clean, cook, pay bills, watch TV or read, do some chores, and prepare for the next day. On the weekend, you get maybe 16 hours each day to accomplish tasks and chores and, to relax, to recharge and to play.

So if I am doing the math right, that is about 100 hours of time a week to fill with what you want and need to do outside of working and sleeping. And no matter how efficient you are, or how many lists you write, when one thing is getting done, something else is not.

If you are watching your favorite TV show, you are not cleaning the house and the cobwebs build up. If you are having dinner with friends, you are not reading your favorite book or magazine. If you have to paint a room and it takes a day to do it, then something else has to go. And that happens to all of us, no matter if we've had cancer or not. It's just life.

I think the difference is this: Once you've had cancer you don't want to waste one minute of life. You want to get it all done. You never want to leave something on your list without being able to end the day by crossing it off. You are constantly worried that maybe time will run out.

And I guess some day it will.

Which is why I have given up worrying about cobwebs.

One year down...

Today is the anniversary of the day I had my last chemo treatment. I am so blessed to be able to tell you this today. I am alive. I am still fighting. I still have traces of chemo brain. I still get tired if I don't pace myself and rest.

But I am here. Alive.

One year down. Many more to go.

On being grateful

I have so much to be grateful for ... and of course this time of year is the best time to focus on those things we have that can only be called blessings.

I am so lucky to be alive and to be able to enjoy this Thanksgiving this year.

I am so lucky to have friends and family who love me.

If you are reading this, you are likely one of those people.

Happy all hallows eve

This year I don't have the energy to get up and answer the door a million times to give out candy to the ghosts, goblins, pirates and princesses that come seeking treats. I can say happy halloween to you though!

Next year, I intend to buy a lot of candy and sit out on my porch in costume while handing out treats to little would-be tricksters.

I am counting on that.

What can I say?

What can I say about being a breast cancer survivor? What can I add to the conversation about breast cancer and how to maneuver the world that becomes your reality once you become a member of this sisterhood?

I'm still trying to figure that out.

September

I have always felt that September is one of the most beautiful months of the year. It straddles summer and fall, the perfect storm, so to speak.

There are the hot, humid days of summer. The crickets singing melodies as the sun sinks slowly inviting the evening to wrap its arms around the lush landscape. Then there are the cooler days, and as autumn emerges, the evenings still filled with the song of the crickets, become cooler and come sooner.

September and its divergent nature ... it lulls me into a dreamy and hopeful state of mind.