Searching

I always seem to be searching. But for what? Something I have lost? Something I have yet to encounter ... something nebulous, a thing I do not know I will find? Something that is searching for me?

Maybe I am searching for an answer.

What, though, is the question?

I often feel I am in a fog. A cloud. Floating around without purpose.

It's sometimes unsettling to be in this position, but since it is very much a normal part of who I am and a significant quality of my life, it mostly feels like home.

Curious. Does this happen to everyone, or is it a phenomenon unique to me? Is this part of the larger collective consciousness, a human condition?

Nevermind ... no answer required. Even if it's true that all of us have this experience, the actual searching is our own. The experience then for me ... mine.

Now, what was it I am looking for?

Blue

There are days I feel blue. For no reason. Inexplicably, this wave like the ocean engulfs me, cerulean. Maybe the blue came upon me because it is Monday. Maybe it came in the night. I didn't sleep well last night. Worrying. Free floating anxiety. Nothing specific. Everything specific. Blueness in the black night.

I want things to be bright blue, like the September sky. Instead I get the murky blue that like sediment floats on thin air ...

I think I saw a blue heron today. It really isn't blue.

Tomorrow I will not be blue either.

A new chapter

Today is the day before Easter and I am thinking that I want to start a new chapter in my new reality blog.

In exactly a week from today I will turn 51. In a little over a month from now it will be two years since my diagnosis of breast cancer. I am truly feeling like a survivor!

I appreciate that I have been given a chance to explore my feelings and thoughts regarding my battle with cancer, and I think now I would like to just get on with living as a survivor.

So, from today, my blog posts will be more about life ... life after cancer. I am going to borrow an idea from a friend of mine who also blogs. Her blog is entitled 10Minutes. 5 Lines. I like that and think it's time for me to start focusing on the moment, and focusing on writing.

This is the season when we strive for new beginnings, for resurrection, for healing. And from now forth, these concepts are my new reality.