Balance and error

When I was in high school, one of the things we had to do in gym class was practice walking on a balance beam. Learning to stand on one of those skinny beams was difficult, but once up and standing, walking along the beam didn't seem that difficult. I never was very coordinated or athletic, so jumping on and off or turning cartwheels on the balance beam wasn't in the cards for me. Even so, I felt a sense of accomplishment just being able to stand on the thing without falling off of it and cracking my skull open.

These days, I feel a lot like I first did when I was just learning to stand on that balance beam. I'm finding that I don't know for sure how to gain my balance in everyday life. One day I am going at full speed, 100 percent and the next I am dragging.

It's been a while since I had chemo and my energy level is so much better than it was even just a month ago. That said, I am still struggling with determining what I can and cannot do on any given day. Funny thing. I think maybe we all do that anyway, but having been kicked down a couple of notches below "normal" when it comes to energy level, it seems you become more aware of the amount of energy it takes to do any given task. Things we take for granted and things we don't even realize take energy to accomplish, like having a conversation and "thinking" ... I don't ever recall being so conscious of the energy I'm using just to pull a word from somewhere in my brain. Sometimes I can actually feel my brain working to pull information from one side or the other ... the human body is amazing!

It's not all about energy and being able to "do" things either. It's about eating right. It's about getting enough sleep. It's about being patient and by that I don't mean a "patient" ... I mean, being able to say, "okay, take your time, don't rush, you'll be able to do that thing soon" ... I want to grab ahold of life.

I want to smell freshly cut grass and honeysuckle, eat rich and delectable foods (without weight gain!), drink fine wine, get some exercise, take a yoga or tai chi class, read books, paint pictures, work in my yard, go out with my friends and dance. Oh, yeah, then there's cleaning the house. When I was down for the count during the chemo treatments, I let a lot of stuff just "go" and letting some things go was easier than letting others go. The housework got done in the most minimal way ... anyone who comes to visit will note that the stairs leading to the second floor are more than in need of a good vacuuming to pick up the cat hair accumulating there.

I also let the yardwork go and thankfully God sent me an angel over the summer in the form of a neighborhood gentleman who kindly cut my grass for a small pittance. But this year the rhododendren is dead, the dogwood is dead, and a couple of azaleas have gone to the garden in the sky. They need to be dug up and I need to figure out what will go in their places, if anything. Weird little trees have taken root in my backyard, the peonies are being invaded by weeds galore. I have seeds to plant and garden soil to put down before I can plant them.

Why am I talking about all of that?

I want to get it all done! Not only do I want to do it because I love to work in my yard, but I want to do it because it hasn't been done in a year and needs to get done! I want my house to be organized and clean. Then I get a little overwhelmed because I've had to work at my job just about every weekend over the last several months, and I've been attempting to work a real 8-hour day during the week. That doesn't leave much energy for me at the end of the day to do the housework or the yardwork.

So, what I'm saying is, I'm still trying to find my right stance in order to balance on that beam of life. Some days it's easier than others. But each day I awake, I thank God for the opportunity. And each day I thank God that I am alive to try!