What's going on?

People ask me … “How you feeling today?” or “How you doing today?” and I ask myself, “Do they really want to know the truth?” and more importantly “Do I really want to tell them the truth?”

First of all, I do believe that all my friends and my family absolutely do want to know the truth. So generally the first question is not hard to answer. It’s that second question that stumps me momentarily. Do I want to speak the truth? Saying it out loud makes it that much more true.

All sorts of ideas and concerns race around and through my head. First I think, what reaction will I get and what good can come of it if I do tell the truth? What can someone do about it?

Whining about my troubles never seems like a good idea. Is that a southern thing or something engrained in me by my midwestern parents? Either way, it just doesn't seem polite to be whining about how bad you feel. And it seems like it puts other people in a bad spot. Okay, not that they think that ... that's me I guess ... where does that come from? Maybe being Catholic is where that comes from ... that is, maybe what the nuns taught me a million years ago still haunts me now! "Nothing can compare to the suffering of Christ, so stop your doggone whining already." Ha ha!

So, to answer the question in spite of that Irish-accented nun's voice in my ear. I don’t feel good at all and the side effects of the chemo are building up -- from fatigue, to chemo brain (more on that another time!), to lack of appetite. No, I don't imagine this all is as bad as the suffering of Christ, but really, it is all about me here. And, yes, I think Jesus understands!

Nowadays I feel tired 110 percent of the time and nothing … nothing, not naps, not full nights of sleep, not moving around and walking or stretching my muscles in the limited yoga poses I know … nothing makes that fatigue go away. Most nothing has tasted good to me for months (which really sucks, I must say!) and despite eating many less calories than I used to (okay there have been some times where maybe I ate some additional sugar where I used to avoid it ... like those carrot cake cravings I had to satisfy, but isn't that healthy cake? and really, can I help it if sugar is among the few things that actually does taste good??). In any case, I haven’t lost weight in spite of my lower food intake, or okay, maybe because of the higher number of sugar fixes. So, my waist seems larger than ever ... and that is really depressing because … well, isn’t it bad enough I feel awkward as hell in the clothes I have because I'm wearing fake boobs that are many sizes smaller than my real boobs were, which makes me feel … well, really abnormal!

I do end up saying that sort of thing to my friends and they are good to me, saying what I need to hear at that particular moment (like Snap out of it! or Sorry to hear that! or the best, Let’s go to Target!), or reminding me that most all of this is temporary, which is a fact that I do know and most days can remind myself of … I only worry that repeating to my friends over and over again how crappy I feel is going to make them sick of me! As in, “she’s such a downer” …

On the other hand, I am still full of sarcasm and am my generally smartass self most of the time, even while feeling like crap. And really, I don’t walk around like Pollyanna, but I do see that there is so much in my life to be thankful for -- my friends and family specifically! -- and I am so lucky on so many levels (like, at least I wasn't born ugly or stupid). See what I mean? So I do have positive happy thoughts in my head as often if not more often than the negative unhappy thoughts.

Mostly, I wonder … and worry … if saying out loud that I feel like crap most days is a bad thing to put out to the universe. I feel I want to speak positively to the universe so that she will bless me with positive reinforcements. But then I think, doesn’t the universe already know I feel like crap? Must be so, and that’s why I have so much positive energy in my life right now!

A side note: Since I titled this "What's going on?" I have been hearing Marvin Gaye singing that song in my head. So I found "What's going on?" online and believe it to be as compelling and relevant a song today as it was when he first sang it. Have a listen yourself on YouTube at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y9KC7uhMY9s.